Imotara

Why am I angry all the time?

Constant anger is usually not really about the things setting it off. It is most often exhaustion, or a boundary that has been crossed for a long time, or another feeling that has nowhere acceptable to go. Anger is loud, which is why it gets heard first and asked about last.

The trigger is rarely the cause

If small things are producing large reactions, the small thing is not what you are reacting to. It is the last item on a pile you have been carrying without putting down.

Tiredness is the most underrated cause by a long way. Being chronically short of sleep removes almost all of the gap between feeling something and acting on it.

What anger is often covering

Frequently: fear, humiliation, grief, or being treated unfairly somewhere you cannot afford to object. Anger is permitted in places where those are not, so it arrives wearing their clothes.

It is also a boundary signal. Persistent anger at one particular person or situation is usually information about something you have been tolerating, and the useful question is what you have been putting up with rather than why you are so irritable.

The thing nobody says

Being angry a lot is frightening when you did not used to be, and the fear of becoming someone you do not like makes people hide it, which makes it worse.

Noticing it and asking what it is pointing at is not a weakness. It is the only thing that reliably reduces it.

Things you could try now

• • When it rises, name it specifically before you respond — 'I am humiliated', 'I am exhausted', 'this is unfair'. The naming creates the gap.
• • Check sleep and food before you look for anything deeper. Both are boring and both are frequently the answer.
• • Ask what you have been putting up with. Write the answer down, even if you cannot change it yet.